Over the weekend, I was taken a back. To be honest, on Friday, I went out not expecting anything and it turned out to be one of the best nights out I’ve had in a really long time. Isn’t that always the way? No pretense, just straight talk and goofing around, a small snowball fight, and, well, an impressive amount of 90210 trivia. It’s funny because despite being a very open person, it takes me a long time to feel comfortable and acclimatize to people.
In any case, during all of this, someone who has become very close to my heart, kind of randomly, took one look at me and said, What’s up Iz? you look so sad.
Within two seconds of me saying hello, the smiles, the giggles, my loud gregarious facade, there it was, mask dissolved. Now there’s a fact about me, I’m never embarrassed to own what is going on with me. You ask, I’ll basically say it straight up. You need to be prepared. Because frankly, according to me, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. That said, there is something about having someone you spend a relatively large amount of time with, in a fairly random situation, take one look at you and diagnose you that’s absolutely disarming.
But what’s one to do? You’ve been disarmed. Your rifle is down. And with this person, in particular, I’m ok with that. Because they are genuine – a true friend. I know I can count on them. Most importantly they get me, and they appreciate how I go about living in the world. It’s something they admire, which is something I totally admire about them. Frankly, I just admire them, they make my life a more awesome place to be in their small way. All of it makes me so happy, because I often feel like my way of going about things is not only unappreciated, but totally misunderstood. I feel so shut down completely when people judge things that are really important to me, that I become completely inarticulate. But in this case, our random conversations – because most of our conversations are just that: random – are so completely connected, that I often wonder how it is that the cosmos bring these people into your life.
It makes me think about the type of person I am, and what I did that night as well, admits the beer. I was the epitome of me, and no part of me walked away from that situation thinking ” I wish I had never put myself out there.” Which I must admit, I doubt myself, and have doubted myself far too much for as long as I can remember. And I spent most of the weekend realizing exactly why that goes on, and mourning parts of my life with great big heaping tears, because those reasons are really reasons to mourn (but that is another story for another day).
But that night was just like ‘take it or leave it, people’. Take this crazy, devoted, emotional, passionate person or leave it. I will over share, and I will ask for opinions. Sometimes. I will be mute and not say anything at all. I will take you out of your comfort zone, because I am clinically unable to have bullshit conversation (unless it’s about a bunch of trivia that is placed in the dark recesses of my mind). I am critical about the world and myself to a fault. Yet, I seek the beauty and the good in it – I try to bring the good in it to life. I believe fiercely that life is about sharing experience and seeking fellowship and understanding.
I will babble randomly, especially when I don’t know what to say, but I think you’re worth getting to know. I have an opinion about absolutely everything. If I don’t share it, you’re doing something wrong. Because, I’m not shy about my opinions, and I’m not shy to pontificate. I’m sorry, it’s true and it’s fucking hereditary. I don’t skirt over niceties. If I sit there in silence, it’s time for you to start asking yourself questions, because I’m either thinking something out, or deciding whether I should share what’s on my mind. If I’m mulling that over, you better believe that it’s something important to me, and I’m in the process of figuring out if you’re a safe enough place to see that vulnerability. But get it straight, I’d like you to be safe enough, if you’re up for the challenge. If you’re not, just say it straight up, don’t be half-assed about it.
And even if it seems like I’m talking a lot, and sometimes about nothing, I’m always listening and I really care. I listen intently and I genuinely want to help, even if moments of silence are far between. I care too much. I care about people I shouldn’t even care about. I know their issues are not my problem, but I still care enough to give them an honest, genuine opinion when asked, and to genuinely worry about the outcome.
If I want to spend time only with you, count yourself as lucky, because there are few people I choose to spend time with one on one. I love the energy of a group. I love floating from person to person and learning new things and seeing new perspectives. I love going out and randomly meeting new people. So, if I’ve done that, if I’ve chosen to be with just you for any amount of time, it means that you are special to me. If I’ve invited you into my home, then it’s a whole other level. Don’t waste it, because it disappears quickly when it’s not being appreciated. You won’t even notice it happening. I will just suddenly be gone.
All of which gets me to what I admire most about my sis, her ability to own her crazy. It’s part of what makes her so fucking fabulous. I feel like this weekend was part of a breaking point. Me finally owning my fucking crazy. You want this? You’ve got it, but you’ve got it totally. I mean, I just wrote a fucking idiot’s guide. I’m so tired of dancing around what other people dictate in my life, because there seems to be a whole group of people who appreciate me, for fucking me. Even if they think I’m a little weird, and little eccentric, a little unique, a little hard to figure out, hard to place and tons too understanding. Because, I am.
But that’s no reason for me to feel guilty for asking for people to be there for me. Or saying that I need them to be, or, even harder, to admit that they really matter to me. And for me to understand, no matter how much I might want someone to be there for me, not everyone is up for the challenge.
Why should I question my gestures of good will, knowing that I live only so that my contribution to the world makes the world that much of a better place, even if it’s only one silly cupcake at a time? For putting a smile on someone’s face, when they’re having a bad day. Or just because. Because I fucking care, I want everyone to be smiling, and I will do my part to make it happen. Because I do things for total strangers, for no other reason but kindness’ sake. Because paying for a random person’s coffee who’s next in line, is just going to brighten their day. Because bringing that little piece of sunshine into people’s lives, is what life is about. And to not get that, is to not get me. Because if life is about anything, then the one thing it ought to be is personal.
Have heart. ❤
Avicci vs Nicky Romero – I Could Be The One
ps. this vid totes makes me appreciate the girls Ibiza trip last summer. If you haven’t gone. Go. It will change your fucking life.